Parenting

How your parents feel about you doesn’t matter…….Unless it matters to you!

The Purest SoulLeave a comment

 

Big Bear
“LEARNING TO TRUST OTHERS IS AN ESSENTIAL SKILL BUT IS SECONDARY TO LEARNING TO TRUST OURSELVES.” Paulette De-Har

Something worth remembering while pondering the question of how much we care about what our parents think about us is.……They are merely human beings with human beliefs, human failings and resistance just as all human beings have, although to differing degrees depending on how we’ve lived our lives and the choices we’ve made. In other words how anyone thinks or feels about anything is a reflection of the life they’ve lived and the beliefs they hold, it is not the ultimate truth of how things should be but is purely one’s own perception of how they feel the world should or shouldn’t be. This purely personal perspective comes from deciding what we want to live in our lives but has nothing to do with what someone else may be here to do or what they want to live in their lives. In fact, if you think about it…..It is highly arrogant to believe we know what any other human being has specifically come here to do and then dictate to them in a negative way when we feel they are not meeting what we think they are here for and what they should be doing……..What a joke! Many people find it difficult themselves to know why they are here and what they should be doing let alone knowing what others are exactly here to do and how and when they should be doing this or that.

 

Many may argue, “I’ve been here longer and I know more about life so they should follow what I say.” And to some extent, I would have to agree, especially when children are very young with little to no life experience behind them. But as they grow and learn it is so important to guide them in a positive way from a good feeling place and for them to start being the driver in their own life rather than the co-pilot that’s being told what to do all the time.

When a child’s life is micromanaged and strongly controlled usually one of two things happen. Either the child rebels with strongly negative behaviours or gives in and lets every facet of their life be controlled. Neither alternative is ideal and can incapacitate someone as they grow if they start to believe they are not good enough or are not capable to do things for themselves. If a child has come to believe such negative things about themselves this can become a self-fulfilling prophecy where they unknowingly create circumstances that give them evidence of the beliefs they hold. This can take a long time to unlearn such distorted beliefs with many living a large portion of their physical life feeling this way until they become aware of who they really are and what they are really capable of.

I’m sure it would be true to say that no parent would knowingly do this to their children and that if this does happen it’s through a lack of both understanding and awareness of what we are really doing and how this life is really working.

Getting back to how our parents feel about us, if emotions of love, respect, honesty and acceptance are felt from our parents obviously this is wonderful, but on the flip side of this, if we are met with feelings of hostility, resentment, annoyance, disapproval and coldness, this is not so good. This is a type of very conditional love. A love that says I will love you if you will do this or that, otherwise I will not love you. Instead, I will resent you and I will do my best to make you feel bad so you will change your behaviour and then I can look at you and feel happy. This has everything to do with being selfish and nothing to do with unconditional love. True happiness never comes from trying to control another’s actions but through guiding in a positive manner by controlling our mind and making a constant and consistent effort to find good feeling emotions no matter what outer circumstances we may be presented with. If we are unable to give this unconditional love to our children it will be likely that we will not be able to give unconditional love to anyone including ourselves.

If we feel a lack of approval from our parents because of the choices we’ve made in our lives that for whatever reason they don’t agree with, it is completely our choice to how we choose to feel about this. We can either feel bad and blame either ourselves or our parents for not behaving in a better way, or we can acknowledge that we are an individual with our own lives to live and be happy we have been true to who we are by doing what we believed was in our best interest at any given time.

Isn’t that what everyone is doing. I know we consider those we care about when making decisions, but essentially our decisions come from our own personal perspective, not another’s. It is important to be strong and not allow our parents or anyone else’s negative feelings about us to send us crashing off into the ditch of, “I’m not good enough or poor me.” Such beliefs unconsciously filter into every part of our lives reaping unwanted results that can be difficult to trace back to a belief we may be unaware we have. I’m not saying that we shouldn’t consider changing something if we feel this is appropriate and is a good direction to take, but changing to gain approval from anyone else is not a very good idea for now we are being guided by someone externally to ourselves that can never truly know what is in our heart and the direction that is best for us to go in. This guidance comes from within each of us and is directed by the life we’ve lived so far and what we are wanting so is specific to each individual person and cannot be truly known by someone outside of us.

So let’s guide our children in the best way we know how from the best possible feeling place we can find. Strive to unconditionally love and guide them no matter how they behave. Support them and let them learn the power that they have to create their own life, to make good decisions, to know how to be happy, and to believe in who and what they are.

Teach them that you only want the best for them, that you understand it is their life, not your life they are living, and most importantly teach them that what you or anyone else thinks about them doesn’t truly matter……All that matters is how they think and feel about themselves.
That’s when we have taught them truth and strength, and from this place of empowerment and knowing, there is nothing they cannot achieve……

And so it is……

The “Best Decision”….Is not always the easiest decision that gives us the quickest gratification!!!

The Purest SoulLeave a comment

SaharaBird
Although I have used the description “best decision” in the title, in reality there is no decision that is ultimately the best decision to make. There definitely are choices that will reap better results than others, but any decisions we firmly make that we’ve put all our positive thoughts and feelings behind are good decisions.

It’s true that not many people like not feeling good, actually I don’t think I know anyone who likes not feeling good, that being said, sometimes the need to feel instant gratification or to remove or change circumstances that make us feel uncomfortable immediately, can sometimes cause us to make a choice that short-term may help us to feel better, but long-term does not move anyone in a direction we’re wanting to go in.

This can be especially true when dealing with the little people we may have in our lives, our children. They come forward from Non-Physical with a stronger knowing of who they are than any previous generations, and are not easily guided away from that knowing by others that have been here longer than they have and have mostly forgotten who they really are.

Although coming froward with this strong knowing is very good news….For many it does require some different parenting styles to be learned if we’re wanting to be parents that guide and inspire the best out of our children. From harsh control and discipline, to letting them do whatever they like as long as they’re happy, and we’re happy as we see them happy approach, the middle ground between these two extremes is a good place to aim for.

I know we love our children very much, and it makes us feel very happy to see them happy, and this is a great thing, but when we base our decisions on what will make them the happiest in the short-term so we don’t have to deal with the often unpredictable (or sometimes very predictable!!) extreme behaviours that can follow not getting what they want or from experiencing the natural consequences of their choices, this is not usually in their best interests and does not help them to understand how this Universe is really working, and well, that’s not ideal. (I’ve said that very softly!!)

It’s true, we can do things and make decisions that prevent them from experiencing the full consequences of their actions. The problem with doing this is it makes it hard for them to see the connections between how the choices they make bring semi-predictable consequences which can cause them to start making decisions without the knowledge of what could possibly happen…..Which is ok when we’re always there to make everything alright, (Well, no it isn’t ok, but I think you probably know what I mean) but we must at some level accept that they will eventually be without someone who is prepared to dedicate their life to making sure everything runs smoothly for them. Someone that will run around and try to make their experience better by trying to prevent them experiencing the consequences from the choices they’ve made!! No, they will not find another who will do this for them….

Of course no one wants their children to experience strongly unwanted circumstances, and I think most of us would try to lessen this happening if we knew such circumstances were coming, but that’s exactly why it’s important to let them experience the small unwanted consequences of their actions, because once they’re aware of the link between what they’re choosing and what’s turning up, and it becomes a strong knowing and awareness they have based on their own first hand experiences….Now they are so well prepared with what they need to know to be on their own and create what they’re wanting in their own lives!!

And I believe it would be very hard to find a parent that didn’t want that for their children….But that’s just me….

And so it is….

Observations about our Beautiful Children….

The Purest SoulLeave a comment

FailureSuccess
Anyone that has children would have no doubt noticed that today’s generation of children are very different from their parents and previous generations. You don’t need to be a rocket scientist to figure that out, and it’s interesting to note, when people often speak of this, they tend to highlight many things they consider negative.
“We didn’t do that in my day, we behaved ourselves and just did what we were told.” Now that’s lovely if we’re believing everything someone else tells us or our feeling good depends upon making someone else happy and feel good. But the truth is, most of our beautiful children are not prepared to take everything we say as being right or good for them. I understand this makes for navigating the parenting of children far more difficult than it may have previously been, it’s rather easy when someone has largely substituted their own Inner Guidance for someone else’s, for they are more likely to listen and blindly follow instructions…. But is this what we really want for our children??? For me, the answer is simple…. No.

To bring today’s children to a place where they will listen and follow without question, their spirit has usually been broken to some degree, and the long-term consequences of this are not usually what we are wanting for those we deeply love. When a child’s own Inner Guidance is overridden and their spirit is broken by others, even those that have the best of intentions, what happens when you are not there to guide them? They are often lost and seek out another that will direct them in what to do, for they have not had an opportunity to think and make decisions for themselves. I’m not suggesting our little ones need no guidance, but the days of following without question are far behind us. I like to think of it now as more of a collaboration between parent and child, a belief that all have value, ideas, opinions and suggestions that at the very least, deserve to be listened too, considered and negotiated.

Our children have very different and specific needs compared to previous generations. A one size fits all, do what I say approach (and sometimes not what I do) no longer works and did it ever work….I don’t know??? Children are coming forward in these times with a stronger determination, purpose, and confidence that does require a more flexible parenting style, and in truth are guiding us all to be better parents, better teachers, and better leaders.
Yes, they are teaching us to be better human beings…and I cannot think of a greater life purpose to have in this wonderful physical world…

And so it is….